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How to Insult a Hockey Player

As a Player

    Step 1

    Use the term "brutal" if you are hurling the jibe at a Canadian player. For example "you are brutal at hockey, eh Darcy!" Using the word like this in Canada means the person is a terrible player.

    Step 2

    Time your insult. In hockey, as in life, timing is everything. Wait until the fight is over, then skate by the offender when he is in the penalty box and say something disparaging about his wife or mother. Be sure to skate away, knowing full well you have a solid two minutes of play time where you don't have to worry about retribution.

    Step 3

    Get down and dirty during a face-off. Again, timing is everything, so a split second before the ref drops the puck, tell the opposing face-off player you saw his wife leaving a restaurant with a professional baseball player.

As a Spectator

    Step 1

    Get tickets right behind the visiting team's bench. Be sure to pepper each and every member of the visiting team with insults pertaining to their lack of hair, teeth, or any hair they don't want. Examples of insulting a player with hair everywhere such as hands, palms, neck or back include "hey, what are you called when you sit in a sauna? A gorilla in the mist!" Be sure to get them as riled up and off balance as possible.

    Step 2

    Insult the team colors or logo. Make fun of how the hockey player is wearing cute knee high length stockings.

    Step 3

    Research the player you want to pepper with zingers. Find any mistakes, flubs or even arrest records. Be sure to hurl these out in your jocular maxims to embarrass him while he is trying to skate and play. Examples include "Hey Pierre, you know why you can't play hockey? It's because of the time you got arrested for shoplifting Barry Manilow CDs."

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Warnings

  • Insults to players, on or off the ice, may lead to loss of teeth, pride and self-worth.

Things Needed

  • Health insurance

About the Author

A former Alaskan of 20 years, Eric Cedric now resides in California. He's published in "Outside" and "Backpacker" and has written a book on life in small-town Alaska, "North by Southeast." Cedric was a professional mountain guide and backcountry expedition leader for 18 years. He worked in Russia, Iceland, Greece, Turkey and Belize. Cedric attended Syracuse University and is a private pilot.

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